Hi, my name is Laura, and I am a wheat eater. My best friend is the Amy that is spoken about through out this blog, and let me tell you, when the news of celiacs came into Amy's life it destroyed a strong aspect in our 15 year friendship; eating.
It is true that Amy and I used to spend a day driving 60 miles one way to eat bread sticks. That's right, a 120 mile round trip to eat bread. We spent every Sunday going to Little Cesar's at Macomb Mall to eat crazy bread. We used to stay up night after night watching A Hard Day's Night, easily consuming a large Jet's Pizza and Jet's bread between us. This was our life. Those days are gone.
To help Amy through this horrible dark time in our life, I tried to help by sending a care package of potato vodka and gluten free brownies. My life turned to constantly scanning menus, noting the gluten free alcoholic drinks at local bars and reading ingredients on nearly everything I bought so that when Amy came to visit, I would not gluten her. I learned quickly gluten is everywhere, like Oprah.
Speaking of Oprah, let me begin to tell you what a twat she is, and why I think she should officially become the poster child for "people celiacs want to gluten".
Oprah, as you know, is amazing at telling people what to do, and actually getting them to do it. She reads a book, lonely mid-west housewife reads the same book. She never liked reading before, but Oprah is friends with John Travolta.
Oprah brings Suzanne Somers on the show and she talks about injecting herself in the VAGINA to look younger and the audience swoons with acceptance.
So when Oprah undertook a "21-day body cleansing" it was no surprise she excluded gluten from her diet. Stop worrying, Oprah is not among the estimated 3 million people with celiacs the disease, she is head of the asshole nation of fads, or faddies as I like to call them.
Now, when my friend Amy here eats gluten, or gets "glutened" as we say, this is what may or may not happen to her:
• Frequent constipation • Tooth enamel defects
• Frequent bloating • Itchy skin lesions
• Unintended weight loss • Bone or joint pain
• Failure to grow (in children) • Frequent headaches
• Anemia • Unexplained fatigue
Not to mention the fact that if Amy here eats gluten it destroys the lining in her intestines.
Just to compare, when Oprah here falls off the wagon and accidentally eats gluten, here is what happens to her:
That's right, nothing. Well, she will probably gain some weight, because contrary to popular belief the "gluten free diet" is NOT necessarily healthy. Because we are a nation of fadders, we blindly follow the fad diet without research, and why would we when Oprah is endorsing it?! Gluten free food often depends on more fat in the product to make up for the lack of the gluten that makes the item so god damn delicious. You are still eating fat and carbs and calories, the only thing you are lacking is gluten.
The gluten free diet is far more annoying than any other diet fad out there. When a vegetarian or a vegan crosses over to the dark side (the side where meat and dairy create the perfect marriage of a cheeseburger) the only person that gets hurt is the cow that is already dead. And let's face it, that vegan was craving the cheese and that vegetarian was craving the meat, I know, I was a pescetarianian for about 6 years, and I craved bacon daily, and when I finally caved and tasted that rare steak I wanted to kick myself in the ass for the 6 years I lost.
So remember little emo kid, next time you run around stating, "well, I am ALMOST fully vegan, but I love cake!", there maybe a celiac within ear shot that wants to fully murder you. Where you will only disappoint your feeble skinny jean wearing girlfriend, Amy here can NEVER have cake at any given moment. She has to track down a gluten free bakery, thrown down $10.50 for a slice and pray to god it is decent - not delicious, but just decent.
There is a joke, "How many vegans does it take to eat a steak?" Answer: One, when no one is looking.
Well here is a joke for celiacs, "How many celiacs does it take to eat some bread?" Answer: "Well, it would take one cause they love bread more than anything ever invented but if they have even an ounce of gluten they spend the next three days on the couch with horrible abdominal pains and the bad kind of poop and their intestines start to swell and get irritated, but you know - Oprah said my body will be cleansed."