Merry Celiacmas!

At the request of my very good, very gluten-free friend, Amy, I have decided to muster the strength for a blog post. Merry Christmas, this is all I could afford to get you this year.

I would like to discuss Amy's recent glutening at P.F. Changs. They got her good. She said when she received her food there was brown rice all mixed in with her white rice. Sloppy P.F. Chang...very sloppy. So they gave her a gift card or a voucher or something for a free meal. It always makes me laugh when I hear that stuff, as if you are eager to go back to the place that put you through hell. Someone once told me a story about finding a bug in a candy bar and getting a voucher for unlimited whatever-the-hell candy bar it was for the rest of his life. Really? Because if I bit into a Snickers and it bit me back, you can be damn sure I am never eating a Snickers again. (To be clear, I have never been bitten by a Snickers. I would be happy to have that lifetime voucher thingy.)

I'm not sure if I would eat this even without the bee.

Oh, and I have to make a very special F.O.C.U. shout-out to my other Amy, who is now officially gluten-free as well! Amy's of the world beware- it is an epidemic! This particular Amy held out much longer than my first g.f. Amy. It basically took her arm almost falling off from some horrible gluten-induced vitamin deficiency for her take the plunge and go totally g.f. I am happy she is playing it safe now and happier that she did not loose an arm in the process. I am not sure if it is going to be helpful or confusing that the two Amy's in my life are Celiacs, but this blog is now dedicated to A² .

JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE TO READ ABOUT CELEBRITIES...

I just found a new site called Celebrity Diets. The site seems to take itself pretty seriously, so I won't be spending much time reading it (boring!). I'm just looking for the really juicy stuff, the dog-food-and-Tang diet and things of that nature. Success! The baby food diet.  And, double success, there is a mention of gluten in the article!

"Jennifer Aniston believes the ‘purer, nutrient-packed, gluten-free’ pots help to maintain her trim figure; Reese Witherspoon told a US TV show she’s careful not to crash diet on infant food and makes sure to have one adult meal a day; while Marcia Cross ditched junk food snacks for baby food to keep hunger pangs at bay."

So baby food is the new finger-down-your-throat? It could be worse. I think my biggest problem with this particular diet is that is sounds humiliating. Can you imagine sitting down to eat with your friends and being like, "hold on, let me crack open my jar of dinner."

Mmmm...ham-like.

I was briefly a nanny when I was in college and, I won't lie, there were several occasions when I made a longing glance or two at the jar of bananas (I really like bananas).  I just can't see making this a lifestyle though. It seems to me that once you are eating baby food on a regular basis you have crossed a point of no return in the dignity department. It is only a matter of time before you are having your maid/boyfriend chew up nutritious gluten-free food and regurgitate it down your throat for you.

 

smootchy time or lunch time? 

 I think the only way this will ever be cool is if Gerber starts a line of jarred food specifically for adults. It will be the same as the baby food, but with better branding.

Maybe I should have contacted Gerber with a pitch before I gave away all my brilliant ideas? I could have just robbed myself of a potential fortune.

That's all I have till next year. Happy Gluten-free holidays to all Amys and non-Amys and Celiacs and non-Celiacs!!

 

I ain't afraid of no gluten.

As the friend of someone who is allergic to wheat gluten you have one big responsibility: to not poison your friend. Sounds easy, right? WRONG! Gluten is a tricky bastard and it hides in things that you wouldn't even think of, like the adhesive that you lick on stamps and envelopes. Sometimes it gives itself funny names to disguise itself, such as "Semolina" (coming soon: Natalie's Semolina Story). And then there is the dreaded "accidental contamination." An innocent swipe of a cracker in some cheese dip, and it's all over.

I am a Wheat-Eater.

I heart my friend Amy. We have been friends for over 12 years, and in those 12 years we have consumed a LOT of gluten together...eating was kind of our thing. We met working at a restaurant and spent years playing the "Will it taste good deep fried?" game (the answer almost across the board is "yes"). Do you want to know how long it takes to drive to Chicago from Detroit? Answer: One box of Cheeze-its. "Sopranos Sunday" at Amy and her husband's house was gluten-palooza. It was a weekly excuse for us to gorge ourselves on pizza, pasta, and beer. So when Amy started getting sick a few years ago, the last thing we wanted to believe was that our beloved food was causing all her pain.

Ghosts of gluten past: Amy and I ate this monstrosity on a camping trip several years ago. I can't remember the exact reason, but I am sure alcohol was involved.

Long story short: Amy has Celiac Disease in a big way. Gluten is her Kryptonite, even a little bit and she is out of commission for days. We call it getting "glutened," and it has happened a lot!

The following blog is for the gluten-eaters who do not want to harm their non-gluten eating friends.


*W.E.